[audio] “Welcome to the automated relationship replacement hotline”

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This is both creative and hilarious!

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Transcribed from CBC Wiretap, Season 6, “Patent Pending” (4 m 11 sec):

Welcome to the automatic relationship replacement hotline, prototype 1.4…Patent Pending

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I’m here to help you through this difficult time.

If you’ve recently ended a romantic relationship, press 1; if you believe yourself to be suffering from empty-nest syndrome, press 2. <button pressed> You have pressed 1–ended romantic relationship.

If your friends are tired of hearing you complain and you would like some time to lament your fate, please do so after the tone.  To forgo this feature, press 9.  <button pressed>  You have pressed 9.

Let’s proceed.

If you would like to hear  a well-meaning but ultimately ineffectual pep talk, press 1; if you would like to proceed directly to the substitute love function, press 2. <button pressed> You have pressed 2.

To massage the back of MY neck with affection, press 1.   To squeeze my hand, press 2.  <button pressed> You have pressed 1.  It felt nice.

If you would like to me to tousle your hair in a return show of affection, press 1; if you would like me to verbally assure you, press 2. <button pressed> You have pressed 2–You’re the best!

If you would like to be told that I love you, press the * key;  to forgo this feature, press 9…Are you still there?  <button pressed> You have pressed the * key– I love you.

To tell me you love me back, press 1; to forgo this feature, press <button pressed> You have pressed 1.  You love me.  Thank you.

To quantify your love, enter the amount of love you have for me on the key pad, followed by the pound key.  <four buttons pressed> You have entered 999.  You really love me very much.  Thank you.

To nuzzle your face into my hair and tell me all your hopes and dreams, press 1; to confide in me your secret fears, press 2. <button pressed> You have pressed  2.

If you’d like a moment to curl up in a fetal ball on the couch, bed or floor, press 9;  to immediately record your fears into our database, press <button pressed> You have pressed 9…I will wait…please press 7 when you are ready… <button pressed>

Before we begin, if you would like to me play some instrumental music to underscore your pain, press 1 <button pressed> You have pressed 1–Let’s proceed. <melancholy music plays> Go ahead; tell me your fears <more music> Please proceed…Are you still there?  <music> You may begin at any time…I am waiting…I am patiently waiting…please continue…<fade out>

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To hear the audio file, click here, expand season 6 and then look for the file called “Patent Pending.”

Enjoy!