Funny questions asked in a courtroom

…These questions will either break the ice, get a laugh, or completely confuse the witness…

“Just how old were you really on your twenty-fifth birthday?”
“Can you see without your glasses or your teeth?”
“What was the defendant doing while you were in the bathroom?”
“Do you still feel you are brain damaged?”
“Where did you live in town after you moved away?”
“What don’t you know about the accident and when did you find out?”
“Just when did you realize you hadn’t been killed in the accident?”
“You’re just saying that to confuse me, or is that your normal way of talking?”
“Did you look at the defendant when you saw him?”
“Can you describe what you didn’t see?”
“Was that when you were in a coma or had you already left the hospital?”
“Are you qualified to be an expert or is there somebody else more qualified to make that conclusion?”
“I think we all know who will be the judge of that, right Judge?”
“Could you repeat that again for those who heard it the first time?”
“I see you have clothes on today.”
“What do you mean exactly by that particular phrase you elucidated?”
“Could you be more specific than “I don’t remember?”
“And what time was it by the watch you weren’t wearing?”
“Do you have a first name, John?”
“Do you consider yourself to be an honest or a dishonest person when you promise to tell the truth?”
“Have you ever lied to anyone before today?”
“Have you ever driven drunk before the accident?”
“And how many teeth would you estimate you have?”
“Are you able to touch your nose and walk a straight line better today than you were on the date of the accident?”
“Can you estimate how many wives you have?”
“Do you consider yourself to be as honest as the Judge in this courtroom?”
“Have you been practicing what you would say today?”
“And exactly when did you come up with a conclusion that would make sense?”
“We’ve never met before today, except for that time in Vegas, have we?”
“Have you ever been to Vegas?”
“Does your wife know about that trip?”
“What caused you to be a child when you were that age?”
“Did you eventually become an adult?”
“Do you know what questions I’m going to be asking you to give me answers to or are you just guessing?”
“You seem confusing. Are you speaking too fast or would you like me to slow down?”

Source

[photos] Funny wallpaper

Source

[photos] 14 Images to help you smile

_____________________________

Which one gave you the biggest smile?

[audio] “Welcome to the automated relationship replacement hotline”

Image via Wikipedia

This is both creative and hilarious!

************

Transcribed from CBC Wiretap, Season 6, “Patent Pending” (4 m 11 sec):

Welcome to the automatic relationship replacement hotline, prototype 1.4…Patent Pending

************

I’m here to help you through this difficult time.

If you’ve recently ended a romantic relationship, press 1; if you believe yourself to be suffering from empty-nest syndrome, press 2. <button pressed> You have pressed 1–ended romantic relationship.

If your friends are tired of hearing you complain and you would like some time to lament your fate, please do so after the tone.  To forgo this feature, press 9.  <button pressed>  You have pressed 9.

Let’s proceed.

If you would like to hear  a well-meaning but ultimately ineffectual pep talk, press 1; if you would like to proceed directly to the substitute love function, press 2. <button pressed> You have pressed 2.

To massage the back of MY neck with affection, press 1.   To squeeze my hand, press 2.  <button pressed> You have pressed 1.  It felt nice.

If you would like to me to tousle your hair in a return show of affection, press 1; if you would like me to verbally assure you, press 2. <button pressed> You have pressed 2–You’re the best!

If you would like to be told that I love you, press the * key;  to forgo this feature, press 9…Are you still there?  <button pressed> You have pressed the * key– I love you.

To tell me you love me back, press 1; to forgo this feature, press <button pressed> You have pressed 1.  You love me.  Thank you.

To quantify your love, enter the amount of love you have for me on the key pad, followed by the pound key.  <four buttons pressed> You have entered 999.  You really love me very much.  Thank you.

To nuzzle your face into my hair and tell me all your hopes and dreams, press 1; to confide in me your secret fears, press 2. <button pressed> You have pressed  2.

If you’d like a moment to curl up in a fetal ball on the couch, bed or floor, press 9;  to immediately record your fears into our database, press <button pressed> You have pressed 9…I will wait…please press 7 when you are ready… <button pressed>

Before we begin, if you would like to me play some instrumental music to underscore your pain, press 1 <button pressed> You have pressed 1–Let’s proceed. <melancholy music plays> Go ahead; tell me your fears <more music> Please proceed…Are you still there?  <music> You may begin at any time…I am waiting…I am patiently waiting…please continue…<fade out>

*****************************

To hear the audio file, click here, expand season 6 and then look for the file called “Patent Pending.”

Enjoy!

So there, I fixed it…[humor/photos]

These pictures add meaning to the quote, “If there’s a will, there’s a way.”  Enjoy!

Source: forwarded in an email

(4) CREATIVE ads!

And the punch line…

Yoga and alcoholic similarities [humor/photos]

No explanations are necessary; the images say it all…

Beware of little girls on planes [humor]

Image via Wikipedia

A stranger is seated next to a little girl on an airplane when he turns to her and says, “Let’s talk.  I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with a fellow passenger.”

The little girl who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and says to the stranger, “What would you like to talk about?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” smiles the stranger.  “How about nuclear power?”

“Ok,” she says.  “That could be an interesting topic but let me ask you a question first.  A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff–grass.  Yet a deer excretes little pellets while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.  Why do you suppose that is?”

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmm, I have no idea.”

To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know shit?”

Eye test [humor]

From an email…

_____ _____

If you can’t decipher anything,

trying pulling the corner of your eyes.

A mother’s job description

* Copied from a forwarded email.  If you are the author, please let me know so I can give proper attribution.

POSITION: Mother, Mom, Mama, Mum, Mommy, Ma

JOB DESCRIPTION:

• Long term team players needed for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment. 
• Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24-hour shifts on call. 
• Some overnight travel required including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. 
• Travel expenses not reimbursed. 
• Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES:  The rest of your life. 

• Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily until someone needs $5. 
• Must be willing to possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60mph in three seconds flat, in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not from someone crying wolf. 
• Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. 
• Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. 
• Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. 
• Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys and battery-operated devices. 
• Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. 
• Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. 
• Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION: Virtually none.  Your job is to remain in the same position for years without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required, unfortunately.  On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES & COMPENSATION: You pay them!  Offering frequent raises and bonuses.  A balloon payment is due when they turn 18.  When you die, you give them whatever is left.  The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered, this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.

 

                  

Mom, the educator [humor]

*Via fwd email. Contact me if you are the author.

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.

“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning..”

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.

“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.

“Because I said so, that’s why.”

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.

“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.

“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”

7. My mother taught me IRONY.

“Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.

“Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.

“Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.

“You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.

“This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.

“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.

“Stop acting like your father!”

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.

“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.

“Just wait until we get home.”

17. My mother taught me! about RECEIVING.

“You are going to get it when you get home!”

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.

“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, They are going to freeze that way.”

19. My mother taught me ESP.

“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.

 ”When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.

“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.

 “You’re just like your father.”

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.

“Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.

 ”When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”

25. And my favourite: my mother taught me about JUSTICE.

“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”

A mother’s job description [humor]

Image via Wikipedia

*This is copied from a fwd email. If you are the author, contact me so I can give you proper attribution.

POSITION:
Mother, Mom, Mama, Mum, Mommy, Ma

JOB DESCRIPTION:
Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES:
The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT &  PROMOTION:
Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS:
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.

Smiles for today [video]

A N I M A L S

1. Funny animal voice overs.

2. Goat yells like a man

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=06CvUjLgK5g

H U M A N S

3. This fork lift driver is going to have to fork over an explanation!

4. People sneeze in slow motion set to opera music

5. This is needed in today’s economic hardships!  If currency was replaced by kind acts…

If my body was a car… [humor]

IF MY BODY WAS A CAR

c2003 Linda S Amstutz.  If you want to read more by Ms Amstutz, visit her blog at http://anotherlinda.blogspot.com“.

__________

If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I’ve got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish, and my paint job is getting a little dull …

But that’s not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus, and it’s especially hard to see things up close.  My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things, even in the best of weather.  My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.  It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.  My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here’s the worst of it –

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or laugh….either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

Just how bad is the economy? [photo]

That’s bad!

On the lighter side–maps, preachers, lovers and eskimos [humor]

Image via Wikipedia

All Over the Map

“The Washington Post” asked its readers to combine two countries into one great nation.  Here’s what they came up with:

Spain+Italy: Spitally, where the first three rows of the National Opera come with complimentary raincoats.

Oman+Bolivia: Oblivia, the land that time–and everyone–forgot.

Tuvalu+Sudan: Tudalu, where people leave as soon as they can.

Fiji+Haiti: Fijiti, with the highest per capita caffeine consumption.

Botswana+Kuwait: Bobwait, the corporate headquarters of Ginsu International and Ronco Worldwide.

__________

A pastor asks his flock, “What would you like people to say when you’re in your casket?”  One congregant says, “I’d like them to say I helped people.”  Another says, “I’d like them to say I was a fine family man.”  A third responds, “I’d like them to say, “Look!  I think he’s moving!”

__________

The Language of Love

Author Cindy Chipack has coined these useful neologisms to help the unaatached negotiate the wilds of singlehood.

Man-Me-Down Men who are passed along from one woman to the next after a faield attempt at romance.

Cupidity The faulty logic that leads a well-meaning but clueless third party to believe that two random singles are perfect for each other.

DNRR (Do Not Resucitate Romance)  A directive that you are not, under any circumstance, allowed to revive a past relationship.

__________

Two Inuit newlyweds spent the night together.  The next morning, the bride found out she was six months pregnant.

__________

Source: From Reader’s Digest, May 2009

Bull runs through an Irish supermarket [video]

A bull escapes from the local mart and runs through Cummins SuperValu supermarket in Ballinrobe Co. Mayo Ireland. Watch and see how it is led out…

(33) Funny twitter comics [photos]

Here are my favorites:

Source

Boy calls 911 to get help with math problem [audio]

This is so cute.  A four-year-old boy calls the police to ask for help with a math problem.  Towards the end you hear the  mother scolding her son for calling 911.

Audio

Friday funny: Always check the mirror before leaving home [photo]

Always do a front and back check in the mirror before leaving home so this doesn’t happen…

Why spelling is important…[humor/photo]

A more realistic alphabet [humor]

The Alphabet:

A’s for arthritis,

B’s the bad back,

C’s the chest pains–perhaps cardiac.

D is for dental decay and decline,

E is for eyesight; I can’t read that top line!

F is for fissures and fluid retention,

G is for gas which I’d rather not mention.

H is high blood pressure–I’d rather it low;

I is for incisions with scars you can show.

J is for joints, out of socket, won’t mend,

K is for knees that crack when they bend.

L is for libido, what happened to sex?

M is for memory; I forget what comes next.

N is for neuralgia, in nerves way down low;

O is for osteo, bones that don’t frow!

P is for prescriptions, I have quite a few; just give me a pill and I’ll be good as new!

Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?

R is for reflux–one meal turns to two.

S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,

T is for Tinnitus’ bells in my ears!

U is for urinary; troubles with flow,

V is for vertigo, that’s “dizzy” you know.

W is for worry, NOW what’s going ’round?

X is for xray, and what might be found.

Y for another year I’m left here behind,

Z is for zest I still have–in my mind.

Ive survived all the symptoms, my body’s deployed,

and I’m keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!!!

Daylight Savings Time [cartoon]

Results when dad dresses up his child [photos]

We all know that Mums love to dress up their kids.  But when Dad is a graphic designer, anything is possible..  

It all started out with the innocent baby picture below…

These photos were forwarded in an email.

Can babies sense things? Presidents with children [photos]

and then…

Rooster with an attitude [video]

This is hilarious!  I don’t know if it’s got an attitude problem or a medical problem…

Watch it here.

Pop N. Fresh obituary [humor]

Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday, at 71. In attendance at the funeral were Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies. Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his career was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, having wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for 18 to 20 minutes.

Source: Reader’s Digest, Auguest 2007, Laughter, The Best Medicine, p42 (submitted by Charles Sullivan)

Trivia Time: Oldest joke, tickling, food, feathers…

Image via Wikipedia

The World’s Oldest Joke
A Greek girl was praying to Zeus, the king of the gods.  She was trying to understand his eternal nature.
“Zeus,” she asked, “what’s a million years to you?”
“A million years is like a second to me,” Zeus explained.
“And a million dollars?”
“A million dollars is like a penny to me,” Zeus replied.
The girl felt daring, and she asked, “Zeus, would you give me one of your pennies?”
“Sure,” Zeus replied.  “Just a second.”

The Most Ticklish Spot on the Body
Scottish scientists have figured out the most ticklish spot on the body.  It doesn’t matter if a person is right-or-left footed, a small area in the middle of the right foot is the most ticklish spot for most people.  BTW, right-handed people are more ticklish than left-handed people.

* What are twin babies called before they are born?  Womb-mates.

* The Statue of Liberty wears size 879 shoes!

* Watermelons originally came from the Kalahari Desert region in Africa, which is interesting because the average watermelon is 92% water.

* The strawberry is actually a member of the rose family.  Each strawberry contains approximately 200 seeds.

* A pigeon’s feathers are heavier than its bones.

Justice Harry Blackmun [audio/photos/video]

Image via Wikipedia

This is a very interesting site dealing with Justice Harry Blackmun.  It has photos, and audio and video clips of various topics relating to him.

Topics like:

• Tensions with Chief Justice Berger over the Nixon tapes
• Humor in the court
• What justices do when arguments get boring
• and more

Read it all here.